The Upside of Death

I wanted so much to feel better this weekend and to let go just a little bit more. I didn't. I know I need to. I know that's what's best for The Kid and for me. But, I can't bring myself to do that. I feel like I need him more now than ever. I want to look into that sweet face and know that everything will be ok. I know that I need to be able to do that for myself. I can't. Not yet anyway.

I think to myself, if he'd died just a few months later. After the mishogos in my life passed, I'd have better coping skills. Intellectually I know that isn't true. There's never a best time to die. It's not like you wake up and say today would be the perfect day to peel. Ga'head, die.

I am riddled in, and burdened with insurmountable guilt for not letting go and for wishing he was here. I want so much not to feel this way. I just can't seem to find my way past the grief.

I'll spend hours and days just thinking of him and disecting the past, wishing I could have just a bit more time. Maybe if things were easier at the time of his death or during this time in my life, his death wouldn't have ripped me to shreds.

I don't have the answers to any of the questions I had on August 1st when he died. I just know that when I'm at home, I'm surrounded by his things and it brings me comfort. I know that letting go terrifies me. Until I know why I guess it is what it is until it isn't what it is anymore. I know that's very Who's on First of me to say. Still. It's pretty damn true.