I wanted so much to feel better this weekend and to let go just a little bit more. I didn't. I know I need to. I know that's what's best for The Kid and for me. But, I can't bring myself to do that. I feel like I need him more now than ever. I want to look into that sweet face and know that everything will be ok. I know that I need to be able to do that for myself. I can't. Not yet anyway.
I think to myself, if he'd died just a few months later. After the mishogos in my life passed, I'd have better coping skills. Intellectually I know that isn't true. There's never a best time to die. It's not like you wake up and say today would be the perfect day to peel. Ga'head, die.
I am riddled in, and burdened with insurmountable guilt for not letting go and for wishing he was here. I want so much not to feel this way. I just can't seem to find my way past the grief.
I'll spend hours and days just thinking of him and disecting the past, wishing I could have just a bit more time. Maybe if things were easier at the time of his death or during this time in my life, his death wouldn't have ripped me to shreds.
I don't have the answers to any of the questions I had on August 1st when he died. I just know that when I'm at home, I'm surrounded by his things and it brings me comfort. I know that letting go terrifies me. Until I know why I guess it is what it is until it isn't what it is anymore. I know that's very Who's on First of me to say. Still. It's pretty damn true.
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About The Dead Dog"s Club
Louiejew was an amazing gift. I was there the day he took his first breath and the day he took his last. Though he didn't come from my womb, the pain of losing my son has been unbearable. I guess he didn't have to for me to feel this way. Who knew?! Born out of misery and sadness, The Dead Dog's Club is a place for us to commiserate about the loss, the love, the good, the funny and the sad. Please submit your canine yarns. I will publish them. Let’s discuss and pine together.
9 comments:
Hello,
I finished reading your text and i have tears in my eyes...My dog was hit by a car yesterday, he died..People say that is just a dog but is much more than that...It hurts so much...i would give anything to have another moment, some minutes to say goodbye....
Rita, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It's horrific and painful and devastating. I wish you didn't have to endure it. God love ya, doll.
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My sweet girl, Charlie, ingested antifreeze and toughed it out for eight days. A week ago last Friday, she started having seizures, even going blind at one point. I had to have her put down n Valentine's Day and have been working all week, without much of a chance to really grieve for her. I am now and it sucks. I am glad I found this blog - she was only two! I am reading a book about death and it is helping me but I say poo on death - it sucks!
There is no upside to death, it's horrific. I am so sorry for your loss. If you want to write about how you feel here, you are welcome to. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. These are our children and the loss is heavy and painful.
You're in my thoughts.
It saddens me a lot hearing loss.
www.gacrematory.com
Loss of a pet is devastating. I lost three pets witting the last four months. Two dogs died of old age and my cat went missing. I'm depressed an dejected with life and finding it difficult to cope. I'm sorry for your loss and find solace in te fact that they were old and had to move on to a better place. I wish I had more ESP or something and find out where they are now. One small sign.
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